A prayer....

-
After he had a bad case of pneumonia, I had been told in February 2017, that Dominic was at end of life by a consultant at Queens square who cared for Dominic's Duchenne. Dominic hadnt long been out of hospital and it can take months to recover so he still wasnt himself and was still quite breathless. The consultant wrongly thought this was because of the DMD. Thank God, then, that it wasnt.
Anyway...It was enough for me to go into the mourning process then and my Doctor organised counselling. It helped as the counsellor was lovely.
Today I started counselling with her again.....this time in the most tragic of circumstances.
Today we only skimmed the surface really. The next session will be a tough one. Discussing Dominic and his end of life.

I then dropped two pouches off that I had knitted for orphaned joeys and other critters to go to Australia.

On the way back to pick Ben up from school, I decided to go into St Stephen's church, where Dominics old school, Watling View, used to go for their Church services.

I havent been to church to pray since Dominic passed away. I used to go every now and then previously including in the hospital chapel but since August I've only been to church for a charity carol service and midnight mass. I'm not hugely religious that is to say that I have always believed in God and have at times gone to church, regularly when the I was little and when my kids were little, but in recent years I have believed at a distance, prayed whenever I was near a church and led my life as a Christian would.

The church was empty and cold, which matched my mood, and I immediately thought how different it was filled with excited and happy Watling View children, normally at Christmas, years before.

I sat on the front row and this is pretty much what I prayed.

"Dear God. I havent prayed to you for a while and I dont really know why I'm here praying to you now as I don't know what to believe anymore. You can't help me now. The times over the years that I've prayed to you begging for you to spare Dominic's life and you didn't. You took him from me. I dont even know if I believe in you anymore but if I don't that would mean that I also don't believe in Heaven or an afterlife and the only thing keeping me going is believing that one day I will be with Dominic again, see him again. I cant bear to think that he has totally left me. That I cant live with.
How could you take him? He deserved so much more. Why not take me instead? Is he OK without me? He isnt scared, is he? Is Mum looking after him? If I believe in you I know that Dominic is with you. He was too special not to be. You clearly needed an extra special angel.....so you took mine.
Is there any way you could let me know Dominics ok? Please? I miss him so much.
Please look after him and my Mum. Both left too soon.......(bit about other relatives)....... Please give me strength to look after my other children and help Jamie to cope with me. Hes finding it all hard unsurprisingly. We have been given more than our fair share of bad times. Enough is enough now. We cant take anymore. I'm finding it hard to be here full stop.
I dont know if or when I will be back. I don't know anything anymore.
I am so angry with you if you're there.
Why?
Amen."

This was said very quietly with many tears. I think I have to believe that there are opposites for everything. Up and down, high and low, yin and yang....and good and bad, therefore God and the Devil. I have to believe that the Devil was responsible for Dominic's illness, not God...that there is a heaven and that's where Dominic is and where I will be too one day. I cant live with the thought that I will never see him again.

Heavy going, I know but this was never going to be easy.😔



Both photos were taken on mine and Dominic's best holiday together.
Centerparcs Woburn December 2018
(Our last Christmas together)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How can it be 5 years without you?

-
Image
We've just been on our 3rd  family holiday without you, Dominic. It is bittersweet always now. When we laugh there's a sadness behind the laughter. Wherever we visit we think how much or how little you would like the area, and the activity. Where we stayed this time would have been perfect for you other than the fact it wasn't adapted. A farmhouse in the middle of fields, no noise. A lake next to it which you could have got round in your wheelchair. Water sports on the lake which you would have loved to watch. Yes, it was your kind of place. We visited Felixstowe which you also would have loved. A long esplanade along the beach front, lots of things going on, ferries in the distance leaving from Harwich and Felixstowe docks. If you had been with us we would have gone to the docks. You would have loved that. Had some tears one day like I always do. I miss you so much. When we went away we always spent so much time together.... We ALWAYS  spent alot of time together but ...
Read more

Too much to title this entry.

-
Image
  I've only updated this blog once this year. There comes a point where I think what more is there to say? I feel the same as I did when I started writing. I was encouraged to write a blog in the hope that putting everything down in words and sharing it would ease the huge weight that is grief and it could possibly help other people. Has it eased the weight? Not really although I do hope it has helped other grieving mums, and anyone else, who are finding it hard to put into words their feelings. What it does help with is keeping my darling Dominics memory alive. I will do anything I can to keep him alive in one way or another and talking about him makes me feel closer to him. I thought after losing Dominic that the hardest thing I would have to cope with thereafter would be the immense grief and getting through each day. I never realised that this grief affects everything I do. I feel like I'm going mad... Most days I feel like I'm living in some parallel existence wher...
Read more

Will I need to move... and do I want to?

-
Image
It will be 4 years in August since I lost my darling son. I can't believe it really. The whole thing just blows my mind and I still can't take it in. If I tried to write it all down it would make no sense at all. I finished my counselling. Nothing has changed just as I knew it wouldn't. The counselor asked me if I had got anything out of it. I said that it was nice to talk to someone about Dominic, cry and know I wasn't going to be judged or make anyone uncomfortable. Other than that... No. So that's that! 😔 One of the things that I am going to have to start thinking about at some point is moving. Emily will be finishing university in a few months and won't be moving back home. This is a council house so we will have a spare bedroom..... Dominic's. I suppose it could be called a dining room as we don't have one. On paper though my house is a four bedroomed property and with only Ben and Vanessa at home really we qualify for a 3. I expect we would ...
Read more