A bad day

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Like the title says....Today has been bad.
I'm typing this out on my phone looking through swollen eyes. My vision is blurred and to be quite honest the temptation to throw my phone,or something else, at the wall and scream is over powering at times.
I feel so ill... My chest hurts ( I have another infection), I'm breathless and I have another uti. I got out of bed at 1.30pm and I've spent all day in a dizzy state. I've had test after test since my hysterectomy two years ago as I've not been right since then. I developed pneumonia after the operation and, on top of that and recovering from the op , they discovered they had made a hole in my urethra so I had the second op in 7 days and came out of hospital with a catheter for two weeks afterwards.
I opted to have a hysterectomy due to the fact that I kept ending up in day surgery as I kept experiencing unnatural bleeding. Because my Mum had died of cervical cancer they didnt want to take any chances. The bleeding was aggravated by medication I was taking after having breast cancer in 2015 but, like I said, each time I started bleeding they wanted me to go in and make sure.
Anyway...I digress...since then I can't walk up the stairs without being out of breath. I'm 54 years old so this can't be right. At one point they thought I had pulmonary hypertension, which is life limiting, but after lots of tests, some very painful, it was ruled out although I have a thickened main artery.
The long and short of this is that, all the things I took pleasure in doing and may have helped me get through each day I'm not fit enough to do anymore. I need to bring money in and I'm not fit enough to work either. What is there to look forward to?
I'm so upset and so angry and I feel so ill. I need the samaritans on speed dial.

Tonight I've had another meltdown. I can't cope with it all. It's totally overwhelming. The pain of losing Dominic and the health issues. It's too much. If I wrote down the total extent of what I'm feeling I would shock you....but Jamie knows.

Please dont tell me to be strong or tell me to think of my other kids. I'm still here BECAUSE of my other kids and why should I be strong? I've been strong for years and years...fought for everything Dominic needed, spent every day holding it together at home,in hospital with him and going through each day like everything was ok when it wasn't. There was never going to be a happy ending. Getting up every day and functioning for me is good. I'm doing things that need to be done pretty much. I'm sure others are coping better or have coped better than I have in these circumstances but there are no rules regarding grief. Dominic was always a child, due to his severe learning difficulties, so I took care of him every day and we were rarely apart. He was a huge part of me. Now nothing in my life resembles what it was like before last August. Being strong is the furthest thing from my mind. 

So...today is a bad day. There are no good days anymore. Some are easier than others. Some days I may even smile or laugh at something but that's not a good day. That's a day where I'm coping better than others. That's a day where I may not have experienced a huge wave of grief remembering that last day in hospital with my darling boy, remembering celebrating his birthday with him only 5 days before with family and friends or remembering him saying 'Love doo' to me. There have been no more than 5 days that I havent cried since Wednesday 28th August 2019.

Totally defeated and down.


Dominic...... 'Love doo' (You).
30th November 2018

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