Is there a correct way to grieve?
I can't believe that in just over 2 months it will be a year since my darling Dominic left us. The hole he has left hasn't remotely begun to heal and I dont think it ever will...and I don't want it to.
My grieving process has changed and I dont know whether it's how everyone feels, normal, abnormal....Is there a correct way?
A way that you are supposed to be feeling at a certain point after losing someone special from your life?
Initially and for the first few months I found it hard not to cry. Tears were always there and fell constantly and easily and the ache was permanent and persistent. He was on my mind 95% of the day and it felt like I was walking through a thick fog.
Now it's different. It's no easier but it's different. Dominic is still on my mind 95% of the day, the ache is still constant but I'm not crying as much.
What I'm finding hard now is that when the tears do come it is more painful, more debilitating and the grief is engulfing. I can't stop the tears once they come and I am a shaking, breathless wreck. The realisation that I will never see him again,cuddle him or stroke his beautiful face again is like a punch to my stomach all over again and his loss floors me. I find it hard to snap myself out of the deep depression this wave of grief puts me in but I have to climb out of it for my other children. It would be easy not to...so I try and cap it when it starts.
For this reason, these days, I am on my mobile constantly. Playing games, watching Netflix or YouTube...anything. Anything that keeps my mind occupied and doesnt let me dwell on losing him. I still think of him constantly, like I said, but I cant let myself think of anything other than his face, his voice, his laugh and a few happy mental snapshots or I'm back in that dark place again. Thinking of the day leading up to, and after he had gone, is the worst, most heartbreaking time of my life and that is the memory that tries to fight it's way through more than any other. I'm not sleeping until at least 2.30am every night (morning). Normally I fall asleep when daylight is coming through the curtains, after 4am, and I get up around midday.
I care....but I don't care.
With this more recent phase of grief comes guilt. I should be letting myself cry more. I shouldn't be trying to block deeper memories of Dominic. I dont want to block Dominic out. What sort of mother would do that? I should be a better wife and mother.
How am I supposed to grieve?
The truth is that however I should or shouldn't grieve I will never get over losing Dominic and I dont want to.
He was too pure, too innocent, too special, too loved and the World has lost a truly unique and perfect being.
My son.....Dominic ❤😔
My grieving process has changed and I dont know whether it's how everyone feels, normal, abnormal....Is there a correct way?
A way that you are supposed to be feeling at a certain point after losing someone special from your life?
Initially and for the first few months I found it hard not to cry. Tears were always there and fell constantly and easily and the ache was permanent and persistent. He was on my mind 95% of the day and it felt like I was walking through a thick fog.
Now it's different. It's no easier but it's different. Dominic is still on my mind 95% of the day, the ache is still constant but I'm not crying as much.
What I'm finding hard now is that when the tears do come it is more painful, more debilitating and the grief is engulfing. I can't stop the tears once they come and I am a shaking, breathless wreck. The realisation that I will never see him again,cuddle him or stroke his beautiful face again is like a punch to my stomach all over again and his loss floors me. I find it hard to snap myself out of the deep depression this wave of grief puts me in but I have to climb out of it for my other children. It would be easy not to...so I try and cap it when it starts.
For this reason, these days, I am on my mobile constantly. Playing games, watching Netflix or YouTube...anything. Anything that keeps my mind occupied and doesnt let me dwell on losing him. I still think of him constantly, like I said, but I cant let myself think of anything other than his face, his voice, his laugh and a few happy mental snapshots or I'm back in that dark place again. Thinking of the day leading up to, and after he had gone, is the worst, most heartbreaking time of my life and that is the memory that tries to fight it's way through more than any other. I'm not sleeping until at least 2.30am every night (morning). Normally I fall asleep when daylight is coming through the curtains, after 4am, and I get up around midday.
I care....but I don't care.
With this more recent phase of grief comes guilt. I should be letting myself cry more. I shouldn't be trying to block deeper memories of Dominic. I dont want to block Dominic out. What sort of mother would do that? I should be a better wife and mother.
How am I supposed to grieve?
The truth is that however I should or shouldn't grieve I will never get over losing Dominic and I dont want to.
He was too pure, too innocent, too special, too loved and the World has lost a truly unique and perfect being.
My son.....Dominic ❤😔
Just love you,Dominic 😢
I can post Kaye.
ReplyDeleteWho is this though?
ReplyDeleteKaye I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to grieve. Whatever way you grieve is the right way for you. I understand what you mean about that last day and the weeks following to a degree but for you, his Mummy, it can’t begin to compare. I find myself starting to relive it every night when I go to bed and I have to force the memories out of my mind or I know I will be in pieces and once it starts it’s overwhelming but in doing that I feel I’m not remembering Dom and feel guilty. At the moment I find it hard to watch videos and see photos of him. The pain of him not being here is too much. Your blog is so beautifully written but also hard to read sometimes as it is so honest and the pain you feel is so real and raw. I know, really know, just how much you loved Dominic and how much he loved you. It was and is so special. Your bond was extraordinary, unique and beautiful as was Dominic ❤️
ReplyDelete'I find myself starting to relive it every night when I go to bed and I have to force the memories out of my mind or I know I will be in pieces and once it starts it’s overwhelming but in doing that I feel I’m not remembering Dom and feel guilty.'
ReplyDeleteExactly how I feel.😢💔
I am sure that there is no correct, normal, right or wrong way to grieve. Every loss is different, but I imagine guilt is nearly always a part of it. It's such an unfair burden to have to bear on top of the already overwhelming pain of losing Dominic. I can't imagine your daily struggle to cope with these feelings :(. I just hope that sometimes you're able push the darkest thoughts to one side just long enough to smile about a memory of your lovely boy without it breaking your heart 💔❤️ xxx
ReplyDelete