A letter to Dominic (Part1)
My Darling Doodles
Where do I begin and where do I finish a letter to you? There are so many things I want to say to you and yet, in life, you probably wouldn't understand most of what I will write. I could easily fill up a library full of books telling you endless times that I love you, how special you are and how much I miss you but there is so much more that I would want you to know. Maybe in Heaven you can understand more.
It will be a year on 28th of this month that you left me and my life became this deep pit of despair, darkness and pain. I can't believe that it will be a year. It seems like yesterday that I left the hospital for the first time and last time without you going home with me. The pain of that whole day haunts me. Being told you weren't going to make it through the night when 15 minutes before we were just topping up IV medicines in preparation for being discharged a few days later. Life literally changed in the blink of an eye, for both of us and for everyone who loves you.
We have booked to go to Whipsnade Zoo on your Birthday this year in memory of you. We have spent so many Birthdays and days out there as have you and your Dad too. You loved Whipsnade, didn't you? However many people went it never felt packed as its so huge so you never felt crowded. You hated the wasps though and went mad when one went anywhere near you....or even if a fly did. It will be a sad day, this year and probably most years, but you will be remembered with joy and happiness too. I will visit you at the crematorium first. Its hard to believe that 5 days after celebrating your 25th last year I held your hand and had the other on your chest and felt your heart stop beating. How I didnt die with you from the sheer pain and anguish I dont know. It would have been very easy to and a relief but I have to be here with Vanessa, Emily and Ben who I also love endlessly too. They all miss you so much too. Everyone does, Dom.
Your bathroom has changed. It now has a shower in. It was so hard seeing the bath going aswell as the hoist. You loved your baths. All your toiletries and ornaments are still there and they kept the mural on the wall that I painted for you and framed it. The week they worked on your bathroom I was very upset. Its done now though.
I still sleep with the last t shirt you wore into hospital the day before you went to Heaven. It smelt of you for a while. Even the smell of your deodorant gave me comfort. Now your smells have all gone and it just smells a bit musty. Sometimes I sniff hard to try and get a faint smell but there isn't one. I touch your wheelchair whenever I go in your room and sometimes pick your cuddly toys off it and smell them. I can smell a bit of you on the chair. I havent even been able to take your bag off the back of the chair that has your gloves,hat, a packet of wipes etc in. I can't let go Dominic. I know they are just things but they are your things and I need anything related to you to stay around me. Too much has changed already and I cant take anymore. Vanessa sleeps in your room now and has put her things in there which is fine but she won't move any of your things out the way and worries about it. Your stuff is all still in your room, your clothes are still in your wardrobe, your boxes of Christmas and Halloween decorations are still in there, your decorations still hang from the ceiling. All that is missing is you.
I sit with you at the crematorium for an hour or so weekly. I take a chair, a snack and a drink and I mostly sit in silence but have the odd few words with you. I hope you can hear me. I normally read you a story and I always play your favourite song, Lukas Graham - 7 years. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it makes me smile as I think of you humming it totally in tune. I never knew what it was you kept humming and singing until Emily told me. I had never hear it before but when she played it to me I could hear that you had been singing it pitch perfect. I didnt want that played at your funeral as I wanted to remember it as a Dominic happy song not a sad funeral song.
I could write and write and write darling boy. I can't sum up in a letter a lifetime and longer of memories and feelings but I have to end somewhere. Maybe I will write to you again as I feel closer to you. I had titled this a 'A letter to Dominic' but I am going to add 'Part 1' on the end.
I hope Nana Jean is looking after you, sweetheart. It used to upset her when you were a baby that she was too ill to play with you and cuddle you much. I hope she is getting the chance to now. I wish I could too. I would do anything to be able to cuddle you and kiss you now. I dont think I would ever stop again if I did.
Dominic, you were the most amazing child a mother could ask for. You were happy 95% of the time. You had something very special about you. People loved being in your company even if you didnt interact with them particularly. I hope you know how special you made my life. I wouldn't have changed anything about you. I loved you just as you were and you were happy with your life so why would I change it? I would have extended your life though. I would do anything to still be with you.
I cant wait to see you again one day, Doodles, but until then you will always be ' My good boy and my baby'.
Like I used to say to you every night when me or Jamie had settled you in your chair with your bi pap on and you would repeat it back to me......
'Ni night....Love you...See you in the morning'......Except that I will never see you in the morning again.
Mummy
X
Where do I begin and where do I finish a letter to you? There are so many things I want to say to you and yet, in life, you probably wouldn't understand most of what I will write. I could easily fill up a library full of books telling you endless times that I love you, how special you are and how much I miss you but there is so much more that I would want you to know. Maybe in Heaven you can understand more.
It will be a year on 28th of this month that you left me and my life became this deep pit of despair, darkness and pain. I can't believe that it will be a year. It seems like yesterday that I left the hospital for the first time and last time without you going home with me. The pain of that whole day haunts me. Being told you weren't going to make it through the night when 15 minutes before we were just topping up IV medicines in preparation for being discharged a few days later. Life literally changed in the blink of an eye, for both of us and for everyone who loves you.
We have booked to go to Whipsnade Zoo on your Birthday this year in memory of you. We have spent so many Birthdays and days out there as have you and your Dad too. You loved Whipsnade, didn't you? However many people went it never felt packed as its so huge so you never felt crowded. You hated the wasps though and went mad when one went anywhere near you....or even if a fly did. It will be a sad day, this year and probably most years, but you will be remembered with joy and happiness too. I will visit you at the crematorium first. Its hard to believe that 5 days after celebrating your 25th last year I held your hand and had the other on your chest and felt your heart stop beating. How I didnt die with you from the sheer pain and anguish I dont know. It would have been very easy to and a relief but I have to be here with Vanessa, Emily and Ben who I also love endlessly too. They all miss you so much too. Everyone does, Dom.
Your bathroom has changed. It now has a shower in. It was so hard seeing the bath going aswell as the hoist. You loved your baths. All your toiletries and ornaments are still there and they kept the mural on the wall that I painted for you and framed it. The week they worked on your bathroom I was very upset. Its done now though.
I still sleep with the last t shirt you wore into hospital the day before you went to Heaven. It smelt of you for a while. Even the smell of your deodorant gave me comfort. Now your smells have all gone and it just smells a bit musty. Sometimes I sniff hard to try and get a faint smell but there isn't one. I touch your wheelchair whenever I go in your room and sometimes pick your cuddly toys off it and smell them. I can smell a bit of you on the chair. I havent even been able to take your bag off the back of the chair that has your gloves,hat, a packet of wipes etc in. I can't let go Dominic. I know they are just things but they are your things and I need anything related to you to stay around me. Too much has changed already and I cant take anymore. Vanessa sleeps in your room now and has put her things in there which is fine but she won't move any of your things out the way and worries about it. Your stuff is all still in your room, your clothes are still in your wardrobe, your boxes of Christmas and Halloween decorations are still in there, your decorations still hang from the ceiling. All that is missing is you.
I sit with you at the crematorium for an hour or so weekly. I take a chair, a snack and a drink and I mostly sit in silence but have the odd few words with you. I hope you can hear me. I normally read you a story and I always play your favourite song, Lukas Graham - 7 years. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes it makes me smile as I think of you humming it totally in tune. I never knew what it was you kept humming and singing until Emily told me. I had never hear it before but when she played it to me I could hear that you had been singing it pitch perfect. I didnt want that played at your funeral as I wanted to remember it as a Dominic happy song not a sad funeral song.
I could write and write and write darling boy. I can't sum up in a letter a lifetime and longer of memories and feelings but I have to end somewhere. Maybe I will write to you again as I feel closer to you. I had titled this a 'A letter to Dominic' but I am going to add 'Part 1' on the end.
I hope Nana Jean is looking after you, sweetheart. It used to upset her when you were a baby that she was too ill to play with you and cuddle you much. I hope she is getting the chance to now. I wish I could too. I would do anything to be able to cuddle you and kiss you now. I dont think I would ever stop again if I did.
Dominic, you were the most amazing child a mother could ask for. You were happy 95% of the time. You had something very special about you. People loved being in your company even if you didnt interact with them particularly. I hope you know how special you made my life. I wouldn't have changed anything about you. I loved you just as you were and you were happy with your life so why would I change it? I would have extended your life though. I would do anything to still be with you.
I cant wait to see you again one day, Doodles, but until then you will always be ' My good boy and my baby'.
Like I used to say to you every night when me or Jamie had settled you in your chair with your bi pap on and you would repeat it back to me......
'Ni night....Love you...See you in the morning'......Except that I will never see you in the morning again.
Mummy
X
Dominics 1st Birthday at Whipsnade
Dominics 23rd Birthday at Whipsnade
Beautifully written, honest and utterly heartbreaking Kaye. How can it be a year ... a year without the wonderful light & joy of our lives. Your soulmate. Dominic made it to 25 because of the devotion, care and love that you gave him. Like you I wouldn’t change a tiny single thing about Dom other than have him here with all of us. Life is certainly so much darker without him and I can’t imagine a day when the pain of being without him will go. I hope in time we can all smile more remembering him rather than the complete & utter devastation of losing him. He couldn’t have had a better Mum or have been loved any more. My darling Nephew ❤️💔😢 xxx
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