Christmas is coming

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Today is the 22nd December and Christmas is now fast approaching.

This year I made a conscious effort to go to town with the Christmas decorations in honour of Dominic.... because he loved it so.
He loved the build up,the decorations,the carols and Christmas songs, the lights and looking around shops or places that were decked out for the festive season. His bedroom was also decorated like Santa's grotto. It took me hours to do but the look on his face when he entered to see it all was pure wonder and joy.

Last year all I could feel was overwhelming grief and no Christmas spirit. I just wanted to get through the season. This year I wanted to feel he was a part of it.... of us. It worked but the nearer we get to Christmas Day the more I'm feeling the loss and grief again.
Christmas day was family together, all day in the house, mostly in the lounge so there is a huge wheelchair shaped gap that he should be filling.

Today I took my floral bits to the Dominic at the crematorium which I had decorated with tinsel and a decorated tree and all sorts a few weeks ago. I took my mum, who is next to Dominic, a floral arrangement too and her parents who are on the next plot. I havent felt great the last few days so I wanted to do it now incase I get worse. I always go on Christmas Eve and/ or Christmas day.  I sat with Dominic for an hour and played two Christmas songs I know he loved... Stay another day-East 17 which was Christmas 1994 number 1, when he was 4 months old, and When a child is born - Johnny Mathis, which he always swayed and sang to. Despite the fact that Dominic couldn't communicate very well he sang some lines from songs he liked and he was pitch perfect.
Both songs have me in tears thinking of him listening to them and today was no exception.

This year my family are spending Christmas alone due to the fact that we are in a Tier 4 area (Covid19). This is the first year that I won't have spent Christmas with my sister ever. Its tough especially as she is still deeply grieving for her nephew who was so much more than just a nephew to her and now we can't support each other.... but it is what it is.
Nothing can be worse than not having Dominic here so we will grit our teeth and make the best of it that we can.

I wrote a poem after Christmas 2017 which showed how every day, even Christmas, came with worry and fear about what would happen one day.
That day came on August 28th 2019 and Christmas will never be the same again...... Life will never be the same again.
This was it:-

Christmas is over,the decorations stored.
New year is well behind me.
The snow has gone,the rain is here
Skies grey as far as the eye can see.

Soon Spring will arrive,trees full of fresh green leaves,fluffy white clouds...blue skies.
People planning for summer.....holidays,beaches, sunshine, swimming,bike rides.

My future is tomorrow, not next week,next month,next year.
Today is a safe place to be,next week a time to fear.
How I wish I could feel peace and let the future unfold with ease.
To think ahead with excitement and certainty that my treasured times won't cease.

For my beloved child tomorrow may end and take him with it before daybreak.
The next day may bring pain,suffering,emptiness and intense heartache.
Please can someone stop the clock, stay today forever, not tomorrow,no new year.
Let the rain fall,let the skies be grey........but please,please,Lord,keep him here.

Have a peaceful Christmas and hold your loved ones close. 



Christmas Day 2014


Christmas 2020 😔💔













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