A letter to Dominic (Part 2)

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My Darling Dominic,

These letters are so hard to start but once I do start I don't want to stop. It's the closest I feel to communicating with you these days... except when I talk to you at the crematorium.

I had a 5 day break away on my own a month ago. I never go away alone like that and it was weird without you. Holidays and breaks always included you. The break was given to me by a charity because I'm a bereaved carer and I felt I needed time to grieve and think about you without upsetting or worrying anyone else.
I took your photo with me and within half an hour of arriving I was in pieces like I hadn't been since just after you left this Earth. The following day was the same. I was in a really dark place and just ached for you.
The next day I went out for my own sanity.
I realised while I was there that being at home with our family has helped me cope. Looking out for your siblings and Jamie and seeing your Auntue Lynn gives me a reason for being here now and without that I am a wreck and want to be with you.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to go away alone again.

I still can't quite get my head round the fact that you aren't here. I replay you leaving in my head but it just doesn't feel real. Its almost like this is all just a nightmare and I will wake up and life will be the way it should be... with you in it.

The physical pain of not being able to cuddle you, hear your voice or kiss your face is debilitating. The closest I get to being near you is hugging your wheelchair. Putting my arms round the back of the chair and leaning my head on the head rest which I sprayed with your daily Eau de cologne feels normal. The only thing missing is you but it's the best I can do. It's both comforting and painful at the same time.

All your clothes are still in the drawers and wardrobe, all your gadgets, lights, DVDs, toys, photos and pictures are all in your bedroom. All your toiletries are still in the bathroom cabinet. I even have your toothbrush still. I can't bear to throw it away.

I cant tell you how weird life feels without you. I'm stuck in this fog.
One day we will be together again,  Dominic. Its this thought that keeps me going.

I love you so much my darling Doodles.
I'm sure you have become the most beautiful angel in heaven.

From your Mummy .... eternally

X


          Dominic April 2019 on a trip to
          London together to see Aladdin 
          at the theatre. ❤

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