Almost 2 years.... Seems like yesterday.

 

We are nearly there Dominic. 😔

Nearly at the two year anniversary of the day you left me and what would have been your 27th Birthday.
Every day this month is a reminder of what happened two years ago. It's a countdown and my eyes have tears behind them at all times... even when I'm talking or if I laugh.
On the day that changed my life when you crashed and the doctors rushed in and I had to leave the room, one of the doctors came out of the room and told me that you were at the end of your life... that you wouldn't see the next day. I went back into your room hearing you saying 'Mummy' and asked you if you were OK sobbing my heart out. You repeated ok back to me. I told you you were a good boy and I loved you and you peacefully closed your eyes and never opened them again.I cuddled and kissed you and held your hand and whispered to you please dont leave me. Jamie arrived at some point and then your Auntie Lynn... neither were prepared for what was happening in such a short space of time. You had been OK that morning. We all sat in that room in the hospital waiting for the inevitable but hoping that it wouldn't come. The nursing staff were still trying to help you but I knew you were leaving me. Part of me wanted to get to that devastating point in time over with but in other ways I just wanted to keep hold of you forever. I almost collapsed at one point and the nurse was concerned. I couldn't breathe. It was hours and hours later when they tried to put you on a different machine for your lungs that you let out a long deep breath and left this life leaving behind shocked and distraught family and friends.
I shouted at you to come back but your body had been through enough.
As your mum I was everything to you and did everything for you but we were best friends too.....and you repaid me a million times over.
I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
One of the main things that keeps me going is that I will be with you again.

I feel really bad feeling the way I do when I have 3 other children. I wonder how my grief and total devastation in losing Dominic affects them... but I love them so very,very much. They are my other main reason for carrying on.
Dominic was just so very different in every way possible. He was my first child and my everything until Vanessa was born when he was 3.... and then when he was diagnosed shortly after I knew that I was going to lose him before he barely became an adult but I never knew when.  He was a gift that I knew would be taken away and we became joined at the hip. One person.
Now he's gone I'm not even half that person anymore because I am not me anymore. I don't know who I am. I am a fraction of what I was.
I don't know how I ever thought I would be remotely OK after such a huge loss. Actually...I didnt. I knew it would ruin my life and it has.
It's a dream I'm living where everything is off. Like when you dream you are running but you're not actually moving. When you pick up an apple and the next minute its your hairbrush. This is how this feels. Not a nightmare which is totally full of fear. It's a dream that kind of resembles real life but doesn't. A pain filled dream that you know you are never going to wake up from.
Someone in a 'Grieving your child' group on Facebook summed up a huge part of how I'm feeling.
She said

"You learn to live with the pain... even welcome it as it reflects your love that will never die. "

I really feel like I'm going mad. Looking at life through a fog. I'm here but I'm not quite here. My memory is appalling and I can't retain information regardless of how important it is. Doing anything is hard. Everything feels mundane and unimportant especially this month.

To my family including my sister...
Im sorry....... I really am.
I'm sure it hurts you to hear me say some of the things I do but without you I wouldn't be here. I would be with Dominic.
You are my everything and I love you all with all my heart. ❤😢

           Mine and Jamie's wedding 26.8.2010

              with my lovely family and Lynns