Another New Year... Without you. 😥

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This has taken a long time to get around to writing mainly because my thoughts and feelings are just so mixed up.

Life seems to be lived in a constant daze. It feels like I'm not quite here.
My concentration is affected added to which I hate January/February.
This start of the new year has been extra hard maybe because I worked through Christmas and New Year and maybe because of some very difficult times at the beginning of the last two years and the fear of the same thing happening again.
Mainly its just missing Dominic and feeling extra sad on top of that because of the above.

Last night in bed I stared at the screen saver on my phone which is, of course, one of my many favourite photos of Dominic. That boy sure took a good picture.

I found myself scrutinising his face... his deep,gentle eyes, his curly hair, his soft cheeks, the crease of his forehead caused by years of looking puzzled about everything, his chicken pox scar over the right of his top lip,the scar on his right eyebrow where he had hit it on the coffee table when he was 3. I stroked my phone screen over those areas wishing he was here and I could touch them properly like I did so often.
I talked to him then. Told him that life wasn't the same without him. Asked him why he left me... why then? We were only there to top up his antibiotics. He didn't seem as poorly as he had been on previous visits that month. I wasn't ready to let him go. .. But I never would have been ready.
How have I ever accepted that he isn't here? How has life moved along without him? How have I got out of bed each morning and gone through daily routines like nothing has changed..... when everything has changed? How have I been able to be where he has been without expecting to see him there?
It's not like I don't think of him nearly every minute of every day so how has this half life I now live become the new normal?

We did everything together..I spent so much of my life sorting things out for him, looking after him, in and out of hospital with him, loving him, cuddling him.... so how have I managed to start living a totally different kind of life without him here? How could I do that?
I don't really want to but I did. I want the old life back. It was hard, yes, but every day that he was with me with a smile on his face was worth more than all the tea in China, all the money in the World... more than anything so how is the World still rotating with me in it and him no longer here?

I sobbed, and sobbed and I've now started crying again because I don't understand anything anymore. This weird half life haze that I now live in makes me very confused and totally uncomfortable. I don't know myself anymore.

I don't know if I've said all this before on my blog but it's what I think about all of the time so possibly.

My Darling, Darling Dominic.
You are so missed and so loved.


My phone screensaver photo
of Dominic



Comments

  1. Lynn21 January 2022 at 08:34

    Love you Kaye. Hard to read, i can feel the pain in every word but honest and written from the heart. I love and miss him. It's his eyes that get me every time, so innocent, so gentle and they seem to look into your very soul. I'm sorry, really really sorry, it's just not fair and not right without him xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kaye24 January 2022 at 13:56

      It isn't... and it never will be. 😢

      Delete
  2. Anonymous7 August 2022 at 13:25

    I simply can't imagine the pain and loss you feel, Kaye. No parent should ever have to lose a child. May your pain lessen as your memories grow. Healing love to you x

    ReplyDelete

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