Will I need to move... and do I want to?

-

It will be 4 years in August since I lost my darling son.

I can't believe it really. The whole thing just blows my mind and I still can't take it in.
If I tried to write it all down it would make no sense at all.

I finished my counselling. Nothing has changed just as I knew it wouldn't. The counselor asked me if I had got anything out of it. I said that it was nice to talk to someone about Dominic, cry and know I wasn't going to be judged or make anyone uncomfortable. Other than that... No.
So that's that! 😔

One of the things that I am going to have to start thinking about at some point is moving.
Emily will be finishing university in a few months and won't be moving back home. This is a council house so we will have a spare bedroom..... Dominic's. I suppose it could be called a dining room as we don't have one. On paper though my house is a four bedroomed property and with only Ben and Vanessa at home really we qualify for a 3. I expect we would need to exchange. I don't know how long Ben or Vanessa would want to live at home either.

I would like to be rural. To only have a few houses around me... If any. I would love to live in Lincolnshire near where my grandparents farm was. I want to be able to visit the crematorium every week though which makes that difficult. It's over a two hours drive away.
Maybe somewhere rural around St Albans or surrounding areas?! That would be good too.
But then I've got to drive around areas where everything is a painful reminder of Dominic. Yesterday I drove into Watford to spend a voucher I got for Christmas. I came home in tears. The road I drove on was the last time I drove with Dominic to take him to the hospital the day before he died.
But giving up the house with Dominic's room too is just unbearable as well.

I am just so mixed up... And messed up.
It's like I'm living someone else's life. 😔

               Dom in his brilliant bedroom


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How can it be 5 years without you?

-
Image
We've just been on our 3rd  family holiday without you, Dominic. It is bittersweet always now. When we laugh there's a sadness behind the laughter. Wherever we visit we think how much or how little you would like the area, and the activity. Where we stayed this time would have been perfect for you other than the fact it wasn't adapted. A farmhouse in the middle of fields, no noise. A lake next to it which you could have got round in your wheelchair. Water sports on the lake which you would have loved to watch. Yes, it was your kind of place. We visited Felixstowe which you also would have loved. A long esplanade along the beach front, lots of things going on, ferries in the distance leaving from Harwich and Felixstowe docks. If you had been with us we would have gone to the docks. You would have loved that. Had some tears one day like I always do. I miss you so much. When we went away we always spent so much time together.... We ALWAYS  spent alot of time together but ...
Read more

Too much to title this entry.

-
Image
  I've only updated this blog once this year. There comes a point where I think what more is there to say? I feel the same as I did when I started writing. I was encouraged to write a blog in the hope that putting everything down in words and sharing it would ease the huge weight that is grief and it could possibly help other people. Has it eased the weight? Not really although I do hope it has helped other grieving mums, and anyone else, who are finding it hard to put into words their feelings. What it does help with is keeping my darling Dominics memory alive. I will do anything I can to keep him alive in one way or another and talking about him makes me feel closer to him. I thought after losing Dominic that the hardest thing I would have to cope with thereafter would be the immense grief and getting through each day. I never realised that this grief affects everything I do. I feel like I'm going mad... Most days I feel like I'm living in some parallel existence wher...
Read more