Just another day...

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I've seen alot of quotes all over Facebook relating to losing a child, at whatever age, since Dominic passed away. (I find it hard to say died. I dont know why but 'passed away', 'left us' , 'lost his battle' and so on seem a lot less devastating than died. When I think that Dominic has died it takes my breath away.... literally)
Today another Mum of a Duchenne Boy who had recently passed away posted an image with a quote that said it all which I'm sharing here.
Another quote I've seen on the internet that really is 100% accurate is:-
'Losing an adult child feels like having entire chapters of your life torn out and shredded'.
That one sums up the way I've been feeling lately. As I said to my friend today, I find it hard to just have the memories now when I've spent the last 25 years making them. I'm not ready to live off my memory bank - shred the pages. I want to make more memories with him - more chapters. It's like being at Disneyland for a long holiday and now I'm on the plane home thinking about it.....knowing I will never go there again...kind of.
Losing Dominic has demolished me. I am not the person I was and I almost have to think about how to act, how to be a normal human being as nothing feels normal now. My home doesnt feel like my home. Periods that feel a little bit 'lighter' aren't comfortable periods. During those times I then get upset that maybe I'm coming to terms with it. I dont want to come to terms with it so I'm then at war with myself.
I ask myself "What's wrong with me? Is this normal or am I losing the plot totally?" I dont want Dominic to be 'in the past'.
This new life I've been thrown into is unrecognisable and it is an uncomfortable,weird life that keeps sending me to very dark places. In the darkest of those places is where I feel like I'm on the very edge of my existence and I want to step off of it.
My Disneyland trip ended when Dominic left me here pining for him and my life here is a never ending plane ride home with my destination being the end of my life....and THEN I hope I will be with my darling Doodles (my nickname for him) again.



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