Just struggling... always struggling 😔

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I haven't updated for a long time this time.  I've been struggling a lot since Christmas really. I thought I was going to be carted off a few times in January and February and my second eldest has really struggled too.


Now the sun has been out more, the flowers have started to appear and the birds are back and singing again. Dominic would have started going in the garden on warmer days and I would have been sitting out there with him cross stitching, doing a Puzzler or playing games on my phone.
He would have been making his normal happy noises and I would have been reaching out to hold his hand occasionally or getting up to kiss his cheek or give him a drink.

Someone asked not long ago if I've thought about going to a psychic. I know a lot of people who have when they have lost someone special to them, including a son or daughter. This isn't the first time it's been mentioned to me and I have thought about it. But Dominic couldn't communicate well. What would they tell me he said? I would instantly know if they were lying and it would totally break my heart even more.
I cant think of anything I would rather have happen than to feel close to my darling boy again but it could potentially back fire and really cause distress... so I will leave things as they are.

I haven't really felt him. There are a few times that I have wondered but I think that I want it so badly that I've imagined them. At the end of the day nothing will stop me wishing I could be next to him, holding his smooth hand or cuddling him. There is no substitute to having him here with me.

Next week it will be my eldest daughters 25th birthday. 25 years old! The same age her brother was when his body could take no more and he went to Heaven....5 days after his birthday. I find it hard to believe that his sister, who is almost 3 years younger than him, will be his forever age.... and soon be older than him. It seems like only 5 minutes ago that we were celebrating his 25th birthday in the garden. He will have been gone 3 years at the end of August. How the Hell is it 3 years? It can't be. My poor, Darling, Darling Dominic. He will always be Vanessa, Emily and Bens older brother... even when they are middle aged.

He was born on the 23rd August in Watford General Hospital and he died 25 years later on 28th August in Watford General Hospital..... metres away from where I stepped out into the sunshine with the most beautiful baby boy to take him home for what I thought would be the rest of my life.
I never want to step foot in that hospital again.....

So.... as I said...I am really struggling, really hurting, crying so much that I can't catch my breath at times and just wishing with all my heart that he was still here by my side where he belongs. 🥺💔


One of many hospital visits with one of many chest infections/pneumonia/ septicaemia - October 2018

Comments

  1. Anonymous11 May 2022 at 10:26

    Sending you love as always 💞

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dee20 June 2022 at 12:00

    Aww Kaye sending you my love always a txt away love 💛 xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kaye29 August 2023 at 06:59

    Thank you. 😥

    ReplyDelete

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