I've only updated this blog once this year. There comes a point where I think what more is there to say? I feel the same as I did when I started writing. I was encouraged to write a blog in the hope that putting everything down in words and sharing it would ease the huge weight that is grief and it could possibly help other people. Has it eased the weight? Not really although I do hope it has helped other grieving mums, and anyone else, who are finding it hard to put into words their feelings. What it does help with is keeping my darling Dominics memory alive. I will do anything I can to keep him alive in one way or another and talking about him makes me feel closer to him. I thought after losing Dominic that the hardest thing I would have to cope with thereafter would be the immense grief and getting through each day. I never realised that this grief affects everything I do. I feel like I'm going mad... Most days I feel like I'm living in some parallel existence wher...

It will be 4 years in August since I lost my darling son. I can't believe it really. The whole thing just blows my mind and I still can't take it in. If I tried to write it all down it would make no sense at all. I finished my counselling. Nothing has changed just as I knew it wouldn't. The counselor asked me if I had got anything out of it. I said that it was nice to talk to someone about Dominic, cry and know I wasn't going to be judged or make anyone uncomfortable. Other than that... No. So that's that! 😔 One of the things that I am going to have to start thinking about at some point is moving. Emily will be finishing university in a few months and won't be moving back home. This is a council house so we will have a spare bedroom..... Dominic's. I suppose it could be called a dining room as we don't have one. On paper though my house is a four bedroomed property and with only Ben and Vanessa at home really we qualify for a 3. I expect we would ...

 Hi Sweetheart, Today is Boxing Day. A day that you loved. In your eyes the last day of the Christmas period. Off round to Julie and Richards for food, presents, games and happiness. Yesterday would have been filled with the same at home. Instead of having you here we visited you at the crematorium. It's just so wrong and so very painful. You WERE Christmas... So childlike and innocent. Christmas was always such a magical time for you especially the run up to it with all the decorations and lights everywhere, carols and Christmas songs. Your eyes would be wide with awe and excitement. The fourth Christmas without you is just as painful as the first. You were such a huge part of Christmas and that part is now missing and cannot be filled. I love you with all my heart Dominic. I can't wait to be with you again. You belong with me. Forever...... Your Mummy..... Always. XxxxxX  Left at his grave

Dominic has now nearly been gone for 3 years. 3 years on 28th August. I'm still grieving and I always will be grieving. Each day's that he isn't here is another day longer since I last saw him and I miss him so very much. Every day that he's not here numerous things remind me of him....a record, a film, and the stupidest little things like a food item, a tree, an insect... pretty much everything and anything. At the moment I'm on holiday with my family and my sisters family on a farm near the coast. I can imagine Dominic wheeling himself around the beautiful gardens, going to see the animals, on the beach. I see him everywhere even though he's never been here. It's too painful to go back to places we've been with him. It's painful enough in new places without him. I spent every day with him sometimes a long time, sometimes part of the day and sometimes all day and night. He was my everything and I loved him completely from the day he was born. W...

I haven't updated for a long time this time.  I've been struggling a lot since Christmas really. I thought I was going to be carted off a few times in January and February and my second eldest has really struggled too. Now the sun has been out more, the flowers have started to appear and the birds are back and singing again. Dominic would have started going in the garden on warmer days and I would have been sitting out there with him cross stitching, doing a Puzzler or playing games on my phone. He would have been making his normal happy noises and I would have been reaching out to hold his hand occasionally or getting up to kiss his cheek or give him a drink. Someone asked not long ago if I've thought about going to a psychic. I know a lot of people who have when they have lost someone special to them, including a son or daughter. This isn't the first time it's been mentioned to me and I have thought about it. But Dominic couldn't communicate well. What woul...

This has taken a long time to get around to writing mainly because my thoughts and feelings are just so mixed up. Life seems to be lived in a constant daze. It feels like I'm not quite here. My concentration is affected added to which I hate January/February. This start of the new year has been extra hard maybe because I worked through Christmas and New Year and maybe because of some very difficult times at the beginning of the last two years and the fear of the same thing happening again. Mainly its just missing Dominic and feeling extra sad on top of that because of the above. Last night in bed I stared at the screen saver on my phone which is, of course, one of my many favourite photos of Dominic. That boy sure took a good picture. I found myself scrutinising his face... his deep,gentle eyes, his curly hair, his soft cheeks, the crease of his forehead caused by years of looking puzzled about everything, his chicken pox scar over the right of his top lip,the scar on his rig...