Today would have been Dominics 26th Birthday. It was still his Birthday but he will be 25 forever. 💔😥 My family, my sisters family and my two closest friends went to Whipsnade Zoo in memory of Dominic. He loved it there and spent at least 5 Birthdays there as I said in my last blog entry. We visited the penguins last. They were his favourite. That was hard. Emily made a cake for him and we sang Happy Birthday to him. It was so windy we couldn't keep the candle alight. Before going to the zoo we took some flowers to the crematorium. I had decorated his bush the day before. It was a tough day. The first birthday spent without him... The first of many without him. It was weird going without him. Some of his ashes are in my necklace, and my sisters and Doms sisters too, so a part of him was with us.... But in reality he will always be with us. He is too precious and too important in all our lives to be gone totally. Happy Heavenly Birthday my darling Dom Love and miss you always. Mum...

My Darling Doodles Where do I begin and where do I finish a letter to you? There are so many things I want to say to you and yet, in life, you probably wouldn't understand most of what I will write. I could easily fill up a library full of books telling you endless times that I love you, how special you are and how much I miss you but there is so much more that I would want you to know. Maybe in Heaven you can understand more. It will be a year on 28th of this month that you left me and my life became this deep pit of despair, darkness and pain. I can't believe that it will be a year. It seems like yesterday that I left the hospital for the first time and last time without you going home with me. The pain of that whole day haunts me. Being told you weren't going to make it through the night when 15 minutes before we were just topping up IV medicines in preparation for being discharged a few days later. Life literally changed in the blink of an eye, for both of us and fo...

I can't believe that in just over 2 months it will be a year since my darling Dominic left us. The hole he has left hasn't remotely begun to heal and I dont think it ever will...and I don't want it to. My grieving process has changed and I dont know whether it's how everyone feels, normal, abnormal....Is there a correct way? A way that you are supposed to be feeling at a certain point after losing someone special from your life? Initially and for the first few months I found it hard not to cry. Tears were always there and fell constantly and easily and the ache was permanent and persistent. He was on my mind 95% of the day and it felt like I was walking through a thick fog. Now it's different. It's no easier but it's different. Dominic is still on my mind 95% of the day, the ache is still constant but I'm not crying as much. What I'm finding hard now is that when the tears do come it is more painful, more debilitating and the grief is engulfi...

I have decided to share the vicars narrative about Dominic from his funeral. The vicar, Caroline, had known my family since 2002 as we used to attend church when we lived in Garston, Watford. I had always hoped in the back of my mind (in the dark place that my thoughts would wander to against my will) that when the time came it would be Caroline who performed the service. We lost touch but thanks to Facebook I found her and she travelled all the way from Guildford to perform the service for which I will be eternally grateful. She did Dominic justice and her words brought smiles and tears to the huge amount of people present. Anyway...This was it Dominic -------------- Dominic, with his unfailing, gentle smile was the sunshine in many, many people’s lives. And his contentment was an example to everyone who knew him, of how to be completely satisfied by the simple things in life. There was a sense of restfulness, happiness and a glow of love that always surrounded him wherever he...

I haven't posted here for over a month. We have had so many things happen as a family and also obviously we are in the middle of the Covid-19 emergency. In the middle of us starting our second week in lockdown the sun finally decided to show its face which has meant the start of tidying up the garden. Emily cleaned up the decking where Dominic used to spend all of his time at home in the nice weather. It was also the place where the last photos of Dominic were taken.....on his Birthday last August. Obviously in these troubled times people are losing loved ones everywhere, literally all over the World, and I have to admit that I feel guilty for being wrapped up in my grief over losing Dominic. Normally I would be wanting to sign up to help. This time I can't. I am no use to anyone added to which I've not felt great this last week. I think it's a head cold but who knows? I keep thinking how frustrated and irritable Dominic would be about having to stay home 24/7, ho...

Happy Valentines Day Darling Boy ❤ Today I took you some roses. Your Auntie Lynn took you a rose and, like she's done every year since you reached your teens, she also took you a Valentines card. This year it didnt have a '?' .She signed it. This year you weren't here to open it and look at it with confusion. It wasnt your Birthday or Christmas so why did you have a card? You liked looking at them though. This year you didn't come back from Oakmere, where you went 4 days a week, with a handmade card or gift for me. This year you weren't here.😢 I love you so very much Dominic. I always did and I always will. I ache to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, twiddle with one of your curls, hold your hand and hear your voice, see you smile, smell your aftershave, hear the whirr of your wheelchair, hear you giggle when I tickle you.....I just ache for you. If only Heaven had visiting hours.❤ 😭

I've seen alot of quotes all over Facebook relating to losing a child, at whatever age, since Dominic passed away. (I find it hard to say died. I dont know why but 'passed away', 'left us' , 'lost his battle' and so on seem a lot less devastating than died. When I think that Dominic has died it takes my breath away.... literally) Today another Mum of a Duchenne Boy who had recently passed away posted an image with a quote that said it all which I'm sharing here. Another quote I've seen on the internet that really is 100% accurate is:- 'Losing an adult child feels like having entire chapters of your life torn out and shredded'. That one sums up the way I've been feeling lately. As I said to my friend today, I find it hard to just have the memories now when I've spent the last 25 years making them. I'm not ready to live off my memory bank - shred the pages. I want to make more memories with him - more chapters. It's like be...